


In the Bar of Bad Things

by limitedpractice



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, DJD - Freeform, Decepticon Justice Division - Freeform, Definitely not serious, Fun, Gen, Humor, Humour, Random - Freeform, Silly, The Transformers: Sins of the Wreckers, Wreckers, just a fun excuse to write two small bots that have sass and salt and finger pointing powers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23586127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limitedpractice/pseuds/limitedpractice
Summary: In a dingy bar in a run down town on a grimy planet hollowed out from the cybertronian civil war, Hubcap, Nickel and Helex do their best to survive one implausible situation after another.Now with fantastic art for chapters 1 and 4 and a great edit for chapter 3!
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





	1. Mutual Bonding Through Salt

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a one-off fic about Hubcap and Nickel bonding over how weary they get dealing with the DJD and the Wreckers, because I wanted to write something silly and fun about a couple of my favourites.
> 
> But then I got inspired to write more and more after talking with people about this, for which I'm forever grateful! So now this story will be added to whenever I'm in the mood to write random comedy that's dialogue heavy and light with no plot, which is often.

“If you eat the salt that’s around the rim of your glass, it will put you in the medibay for a week. Possibly a month. Possibly two months.”

Hubcap froze, and the salt rimmed glass that was just about to touch his lips didn’t make contact. But only just. He slowly lowered his glass. And as he did so, more and more of Nickel’s deeply unimpressed face was revealed.

“I’m telling you this not because I care about your wellbeing, Autobot,” she said, “But because I’m the one who’ll have to waste time treating you. The medibay on my ship is light years more advanced than yours, and since Tarn’s ordered us not to kill any of you or allow anyone to succumb to an unfortunate series of unpreventable accidents, I don’t want to disappoint him.”

Hubcap glanced around. They were sitting at the bar of a backstreet establishment in a run down town on a grimy planet hollowed out from the fallout of their civil war. In a desperate attempt to scratch out a living, the surviving inhabitants had made it clear they welcomed all races and factions. Organic, mechanical, neutral, Decepticon, Autobot, undecided, renounced, it didn’t matter. Your legally and illegally acquired money was most welcome here.

His eyes hovered over a large mass of shapes in the corner behind them. The Wreckers and the DJD were deep in discussions about a ‘business opportunity’ that had recently prevented itself. He was one hundred percent convinced it was illegal and one hundred percent convinced that it would somehow end terribly for him. Hence the need to drink as soon as possible.

Hubcap carefully rotated the glass, causing the thick neon yellow liquid inside to spin slowly. The electric blue umbrella in it bobbed happily. “That - ha! - doesn’t seem likely? It’s part of what makes this cocktail a cocktail? Look, it’s in the menu. On the menu I mean. The menu with all seven drinks listed?”

Nickel looked at Hubcap like he was the most pointless robot in the world. “Do you even know what you ordered?”

Hubcap glanced down at the plastic coated menu that was on the bar counter. He put a finger underneath the name of the drink he'd ordered. The plastic was warm and sticky.

“Pleasant Painkiller,’” he read out loud. “‘Cure what ails you with this tropical blend of high grade energon, creamy energon extract and refreshing crushed salt garnish. Chase down the tears and blood and cranial fluids of that filthy traitor with this indulgent signature creation that’s guaranteed to leave your fuel tank thrumming with-’” Hubcap’s eyes widened. “I don’t- What? What? I don’t remember reading that. That wasn’t there when I read it before ordering.”

“Yes it was.” Nickel’s voice was flat. “That’s a DJD drink you ordered. Was the large purple badge and screaming victim next to it not clear enough?”

“I don’t- are you sure? I don't think that I...?” Hubcap peered closely at the menu. The Pleasant Painkiller was listed under the Mechanical-Cybertronian-Decepticon category. He squinted to make out the small print next to his cocktail’s name: ‘DJD Speciality! Only the best of the worst can handle this!’

Hubcap’s secondary cooling fan clicked on. He slowly slid the menu away with his fingertip as far as his arm would stretch. He lifted his finger up and the menu stuck to it. “I mean- why?” he asked, waving his hand to shake the menu off of it.

"Why can't you read?" Nickel supplied. "Beats me."

"No, that's-" he shook his hand harder, worried that he’d somehow cursed himself and the menu was going to stick to him forever.

"That drink isn't going to kill you," Nickel said witheringly, as she watched the menu finally break free of his finger and float down behind the bar. "We're not in the habit of poisoning each other. But that salt will poison you. I know its composition and I know your frame type and processing specs. You can't digest it. You’re too weak. Too puny.”

“That’s not-” Hubcap said, heating up. “That was uncalled for. I can’t help that I was born with this frame. Why did you have to focus on that? Why are you being mean?”

“Oh I’m sorry, did I just say puny? I meant that you’re puny and piss annoying.”

“...I’m just...trying to have a drink here.”

“You’re trying my patience, that’s what you’re doing. Wipe that salt off now, and then you can have that drink you don’t deserve.” Without waiting for a response, Nickel shot out a hand.

Hubcap snatched the glass back just as her fingertips touched it, and cradled it protectively against his chest. He held it somewhat sullenly.

Nickel pointed one of her fingertips at him. “You’re going to lick that salt off just to spite me, I know you are. I know your type.”

She sat back on her stool and picked up her own drink with a casualness that wasn’t faked. “And when we’re back on my ship and you come crawling into the medibay holding your stomach and complaining that your teeth feel like they’re melting, I’m going to ignore you. And if you don’t drag yourself back out, I’ll ask Tess to do it for me.”

Hubcap looked at her. This time there was a thread of steel in his voice when he spoke. “My frame has survived more than you could imagine.”

Nickel widened her eyes as far as they’d go. “Oh gosh really? Let me just- let me just topple off my seat in awe and wonder here. You’re telling me that you experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering during millions of years of war but still survived? Wow. Just- wow.”

Hubcap squeezed his glass tighter, and hoped he wasn’t blushing too hard. “I...ha, I know I’m not that special. I’m not special at all. I’ve been told I’m not special my entire life. If people notice me in the first place that is.”

“I,” Nickel said slowly, “Have prised things out of Helex’s mouth that gave me nightmares. I’ve scrubbed off encrusted liquids that release a vapour known to melt steel. But never - never in all my years as the Peaceful Tyranny’s Chief and Only Medical Officer - have I ever had a stomach ache. Until I met you. Until I listened to what you just said. Your pity party of one is making me queasy Hubcap.” She put a hand on her stomach and held her drink out towards his. “I feel my delicious drink churning. You’re ruining this for me.”

Several different emotions rolled across Hubcap’s face, before it settled on uneasy irritation. “It’s not easy to get people to pay attention to you. And it’s even more difficult to get them to notice the good things you do, let alone appreciate you. Not when you’re so small. Not when you’re so weak. You of all people should know that.”

Nickel slowly put her glass back down on the counter. It hit the metal with a sharp clink. She stood up and rolled forward to where Hubcap was sitting. He leaned back as she glared up at him.

“Of course I know that. I’ve always known that. And do you know what I do? Do you know what I do when they’re all ignoring me and refuse to come in for their check-ups?”

“Go crying to Tarn?”

Nickel shot out a hand and sunk her fingers into Hubcaps neck cables. She yanked his head forward until their noses were almost touching.

“I get up in their faces,” she whispered to him. “I force them to pay attention to me. I don’t ever accept them saying ‘no.’ I make myself known. Because that’s what people of our size have to do. We have to DO something. Skulking around underfoot the big bots isn’t going to get you noticed. It’s going to get you stepped on. You want your Wrecker friends to notice you? To appreciate you? Then you get up into their smarmy faces and don’t. Back. Down.”

Nickel put her hand on his forehead and pushed him away. Hubcap wobbled on his stool but kept his balance. His drink sloshed onto his lap. His face showed all kinds of alarm.

“Um...OK?”

Nickel sat back on her stool. She waved a dismissive hand at him that said ‘Yeah, sure you will. I know your type, and I know you won’t.”

There was a swell of loud voices from the corner followed by one, two, three glasses smashing into something. The voices got rougher and louder.

Hubcap shook his head. The only reason he’d been brought along to this business meeting on neutral territory was to use his Outlier ability to block Tarn’s voice from killing them all. He’d weakly told Springer that he could project a signal block from Debris and that someone should stay behind to keep the ship in secure orbit around the planet. But Springer had betrayed him by asking him a sensible question that he felt compelled to answer honestly. No, Hubcap had told him - my signal block wouldn’t be just as effective from Debris as it would be if I was in the same room as him. It would be zero point zero zero five percent less effective. Springer had looked at him kindly, and told him it would do him good to get off the ship and have some shore leave. Have a drink and relax while they took care of business. He could look after himself when- if, if - things got rough. He knew which way to point a gun didn’t he?

“I’m keeping the drink,” Hubcap said. “I paid for it and I’m keeping it.”

Nickel looked up at him from her drink. “Are you doing this just to keep the tiny umbrella that came with it?”

“...what?”

Nickel nodded her head towards his drink. “You’re being careful that it doesn’t touch the killer salt barrier. You care about it.”

“It’s a cheap plastic novelty umbrella.”

“Then give it to me.”

Hubcap looked down at the tiny umbrella floating in its yellow cocktail sea. He plucked it out and gently engulfed it in his hand “...no.”

Nickel rolled her eyes skywards. “Primus spare me.”

“HOW MUCH??” An incredulous voice roared. The other patrons of the bar froze.

“SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN AND I’LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT WITH MY TEETH.”

Some customers started whimpering.

“I’LL BLEND THEM INTO A NEW COCKTAIL FOR YOU TO DRINK.”

Some customers slowly slid onto the floor and began to crawl towards an exit.

“I’LL MAKE THE REST OF YOUR TEAM TAKE TURNS HOLDING THE GLASS UP TO YOUR LIPS.”

Some customers closed their eyes and prepared for the end.

Hubcap and Nickel casually glanced over at who was bellowing threats and who was receiving them.

Nickel tutted. “Why did he say that? That’s a back-up threat, not an initial salvo. We practised this. I wrote it down for him.”

“FEED ME MY EYES AND I’LL SPIT THEM IN YOUR FACE AND BLIND YOU SO THAT YOU’RE THE ONE WITH NO EYES.”

Hubcap winced in embarrassment. “He always says that. Always. And no-one takes him seriously. Why would they?”

“YOU’RE A LIAR!”

“NO YOU’RE THE LIAR!”

“I’LL FIGHT YOU!”

“NOT IF I FIGHT YOU FIRST!”

Something breakable smashed into someone’s head, a giant fist connected with a face, the DJD snarled and the Wreckers roared.

A fight erupted.

Hubcap and Nickel locked eyes. They shared a flat and weary look that said “Do you see the kind of shit I have to put up with every day?” It was a perfect moment of mutual understanding.

The fight intensified.

Nickel sighed. “It will take me hours to clean them up. They don’t bother with basic maintenance at the best of times, and these injuries won’t be quick to fix. They don’t listen to me. And I keep telling them not to fight when there are witnesses around, but they don’t listen to me.”

Hubcap watched tables, chairs, glasses and framed objects get torn down and used as weapons. He sighed as well. “That will all have to be accounted for. All that stuff they’re ruining. I’ll have to draw up a detailed inventory, calculate their value, source replacements, and spend days carefully filling out a hundred different forms to prevent us from getting imprisoned due to a grammar mistake a sharp eyed lawyer will pick up on when the bar owner inevitably works up the courage to sue us.”

A circular table rolled past them on its rim. It left a track of dark energon in its wake.

“Tarn would appreciate you,” Nickel blurted out. “He loves competent administrators.”

“My entire team would appreciate you,” Hubcap said. “We don’t have a medic. We have Impactor and his drill hand.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

The fight climbed up a gear. It got louder. It got more dangerous.

Nickel shook her head. “If I don’t put an end to this soon we’ll never get that deal signed, and then we’ll be stuck orbiting this armpit of a planet until they regain consciousness. The medical machines drain our power supply when they go at it like this. They suck it nearly dry. And the upkeep needed to ensure they’re in constant working order, that’s never ending.” She shook her head again.

“We had Springer on life support for years,” Hubcap said. “And do you think anyone undertook routine maintenance on it or sourced replacement parts or kept detailed records of his vital signs and regularly cross checked them with all known injury outcomes on file?”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that only you did all of that. I feel that pain.”

“It’s a pain like no other.”

“You got that right.” Nickel put both hands on the bar counter and prepared to heave herself up onto it.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Hubcap asked in alarm. “Don’t make yourself an accidental target. Their aim is terrible.”

“Someone has to put an end to this,” Nickel said in a tight voice. “And as usual, it’s down to me.”

Hubcap put a hand on her shoulder. And snatched it back when she glared at him. “Sorry, I just- I mean you don’t have to do it. This time. I can.”

“You can put an end to this?”

“In less time than it takes for you to finish your drink.”

Nickel looked at him for a second. And then lowered herself back down onto her stool. “OK then - show me what you’ve got.”

“I, ah, need your auditory frequency codes. Primary, secondary and tertiary. All of you. I’ve got the Wreckers on file. And myself. Obviously. But not- not yours. Not your team’s.”

“Why do you need to know the frequencies we hear sound at?”

A whump of fire shot towards the ceiling. Chunks of metal rained down. A special ops ghost gun was primed with a chunk-chunk-krik.

“So that I can stop all of this.” Hubcap stretched out an arm to encompass the room. And withdrew it immediately as pieces of broken ghost gun flew towards it.

Nickel paused, weighing up the risk of trusting him against the extra work this fight would give her. She gave the frequencies to him.

“What are you going to use them for?” she asked.

“I’m going to use them to break that up.”

There was a ROAR and a clash of titanic metal upon colossal metal as the fight burst wide open and the bar’s fire, invasion, and panic alarms all tripped simultaneously with a whoop-whoop-whoop.

“How?” Nickel yelled, covering her head and ducking as a jagged disc flew over it.

She couldn’t hear what Hubcap said over the roar of noise in the bar, but she could read his lips. “Like this.”

Hubcap’s entire body shivered. An unnatural bright light entered his eyes. He tilted his head, gripped the tiny umbrella harder, and unleashed a split branch sub-atomic frequency wave that wouldn’t be identified and classified by science for another three million years.

The DJD and the Wreckers simultaneously slammed their hands over their ears and collapsed to the ground howling.

Hubcap tilted his head the other way. The screeching trio of alarms were silenced.

“Not bad,” Nickel said approvingly. “Not bad at all.”

“It’s just a basic frequency,” Hubcap shrugged. “Just a modification of one I’ve used on them before.” He straightened his head. His eyes dimmed back to normal.

“Yeah but…” Nickel looked around. Everyone was laying still and silent on the ground and taking stock of what had just happened. Impactor jumped to his feet and tried to yell out in anger but immediately collapsed again. He whimpered pathetically. Kaon carefully stood up and made every effort to stay still and silent. He held his arms out for balance. He stayed on his feet.

“That’s not just not bad. That’s amazing. You’re an Outlier, aren’t you?”

“No. Yes. I mean- Well. It’s just- it’s just something I can do. It’s easy. I don’t have to think about it too much. It just comes to me.” Hubcap said this simply, without a hint of fishing for praise. “The frequency wave boosters won’t break down until everyone’s on their respective ships. Which will give me enough time to barricade myself into my office and beam a detailed memo to each of them explaining what I did and why I did it.”

“And it will give me enough time to prep the medibay and get my tools laid out. I’m going to sharpen all of them. And explain in detail how I’m going to use them. And then I’m going to write up reports on everyone. Even Tarn. They’ll be so dreadful that Tarn won’t have any choice but to put everyone on Corrective Action Plans that will last for months. Including himself.”

“Ping me if you want any help with the wording. I’ve got a lifetime’s experience writing those.”

“Thanks. And- thanks. For doing what you did.”

Hubcap rolled the umbrella between his fingers and nodded. “Any time. Except I hope it won’t be any time soon. Or any time again. But eventually it will be. You know, time.”

“It is time for us to leave.” Tarn’s voice ate through the air like a virus.

“Yeah, let’s move it.” Springer jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at an exit. “Get back to Debris, sort yourselves out, and prepare to leave for the Peaceful Tyranny in two hours. We’ve still got business to attend to.”

The huge mass of the DJD and the Wreckers divided itself into two. Everyone moved slowly and carefully and quietly to one of the two exits.

Hubcap and Nickel slid off their bar stools.

“And- thanks for not including me in your silent take down,” Nickel said.

“You weren’t part of the fight. You weren’t a threat. I mean you’re obviously still a threat, but- but you didn’t need that. You didn’t deserve that.”

“But it would have been the perfect opportunity to take revenge on me,” Nickel persisted.

Hubcap smiled faintly. “Nothing good comes out of wanting that. Believe me. It will eat you up and destroy you.”

“Spoken like a true Autobot.”

“Ha! I’m not one of them. Not really.”

“...ever thought of becoming a Con?”

“...yes. But they aren’t for me either.”

“You’re yourself.” Nickel nodded. “I get that. And now I get you.”

Hubcap reached over and carefully placed the mini umbrella in her drink. It was wrinkled and bent but not broken. “No you don’t. Not really.” He hesitated. “Not yet.”

Nickel looked down into her drink. “I’ll give you a check-up when you come over in a couple of hours,” she offered. “If anyone’s put a dent in you, I’ll deal with them personally.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time.”

They left the bar without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my thanks to [jet-teeth](https://jet-teeth.tumblr.com/post/623656632999723008/some-goofy-stuff-for-limited-practice-who-wrote) for the perfect art of Hubcap and Nickel having drinks at the bar!
> 
> oh my god it's fantastic, look at them together - Hubcap's such a nerd for that novelty cocktail umbrella and Nickel's just done with him. fojsnd;mlc:NVL I love them so much, I love this art so much


	2. Currently Unable to Handle this Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubcap gets a message he never thought he'd get, Nickel gets to laugh until she cries, and Helex gets free drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my thanks to ShySpider for giving me the inspiration to write this! Your mind is full of excellent ideas

In the same backstreet bar, in the same downtrodden town on the same devastated planet with the same group of people but on a different day, Hubcap’s personal communicator bleeped. With one hand he pulled it out of his hip compartment, smoothly swiped the screen, read the two word message on it and choked violently on his drink.

“Shhhh,” Nickel hissed at him. She continued to look straight ahead at the business meeting taking place at the other end of the bar. The DJD sat on one side of a drink strewn table and the Wreckers sat on the other. Tarn was pointing a finger and Springer was pretending to be surprised. “I can’t hear them over the stupid sounds you’re making. Do me a favour and die quietly.”

Hubcap held onto the bar tightly as he clutched his throat. His plating ground together and clinked and clanged as he coughed and spluttered. His engine rumbled and whined. His processor sent jets of compressed air in rhythmic bursts to try and dislodge the blockage in his mouth, and he coughed and sputtered and coughed and sputtered and coughed and spluttered and dribbled his cocktail down his chest.

“For god’s sake,” Nickel muttered fiercely, as she glared at him out of the corner of her eye. “Will you keep it down?”

Hubcap tried to steady himself by adjusting his death grip on the bar, and succeeded in knocking over a clutch of drinks as he lost his balance on the bar stool further. The glasses smashed, smashed, smashed as they hit the stained and sticky floor. He held onto the bar with both hands and took a long, loud, invent of tainted bar room air through his open mouth and coughed and coughed and coughed.

Tarn and Springer glared at them. Helex stood up. Tesarus stole someone’s drink. Impactor laughed. No-one looked concerned.

Nickel shook her head. “This is so embarrassing. Do you know how embarrassed I am right now?”

Through tears of coolant streaming down his face, Hubcap tried to glare at her. It was not a successful attempt.

“I’m- ha- the one suffering _[cough hack cough]_ here, and I _[disgusting throat clearing sound]_ don’t appreciate _[very disgusting wet coughing sound]_ the, err, implication that I _[mechanical snorting sound]_ am in the wrong [cough cough snort] here.”

Nickel’s eyes widened as she leaned away from him. “Urgh.”

Hubcap finally regained his composure and sat up straight. “There was no need for that performance,” he told her in the loftiest manner he could manage.

Nickel slowly looked him up and down. His windshield was streaked with drying green liquid, a wheel on his arm was slowly deflating, and his plating was flushed and damp. “My performance?”

Just as she was turning around to resume listening in on the meeting, she paused. She swivelled her head back. She gave Hubcap another look up and down. She did so much slower this time, as if she’d been called in to give a second opinion on a particularly difficult patient that actually required concentration.

Hubcap watched her openly examining him. “Um, why are you--” he began to stutter.

“Your plating is hot and flushed,” Nickel interrupted.

“What?”

“Underneath the cheap drink you’ve spilt over yourself, your plating is hot. Your coolant system has fired up. Why has it done that? What are you overworked about? And now it’s working harder! As soon as I said that, it started working harder. I can feel the heat radiating off of you. I’d like to say it’s because you’ve picked up a virus - I would really like to say that - but it’s not. It’s because of something that’s just happened to you.”

Nickel cupped her chin as she thought out loud. “It’s not because you’ve just made an embarrassing spectacle of yourself in front of everyone - you do that all the time.”

“Thanks.”

“And it’s not because everyone’s seen you make a fool out of yourself, because that also happens all the time and you’re used to it.”

“Do you...charge people for this expert medical advice, or--”

“That’s it!” Nickel’s eyes widened in realisation. “You got a message on your communicator just before you started hacking your oil tank up. I heard the bleep. What was the message?”

Hubcap spasmed in place. “Um…”

Nickel nodded her head at the communicator that Hubcap had somehow managed to hold onto. “What did they say to you?”

“Nothing” Hubcap shot back, as he slammed a hand over the communicator’s screen to hide the two words on it. “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing to me.” Nickel stretched her head up and peered over to look at the communicator.

“It’s nothing. Stop looking. It’s nothing.”

“Give it to me.”

“What?”

Nickel held out her hand. “Your communicator. Give it to me.”

“No?”

“Come on, give it to me.”

“I, ha! No. No thank you. I mean- no. It’s fine. It’s nothing. There’s nothing there. This is my communicator and my business, so- so no. There’s nothing there. Um. Would you like another drink? I think I’m going to get one.”

Hubcap whipped around to face the bar. An unimpressed looking bartender with all six arms crossed over their chest looked backed at him.

“I think I’ll have the same again please.”

A large shadow spread over the bar, eating everything in its path. The bartender sighed.

“Hello Helex,” Nickel said.

Hubcap froze. He paused. He slowly rolled his eyes as far up into their sockets as they would go.

Helex peered down politely at him.

“Hello little bot,” Helex greeted him pleasantly.

Four long arms and four rotating hands and a squadron of flexing fingers dove down towards him.

“Oh sweet Lord…”

Helex picked him up with one of his small hands.

So I guess I’m not important enough for a Big Hand was Hubcap’s first insane thought upon being grabbed around the back of his neck and held up at arm’s length. He held onto the communicator tightly as his legs dangled beneath him.

“It didn’t have to come to this,” Nickel scolded him. “You didn’t have to make another scene.”

“I- what?” Hubcap spluttered. “Making a scene? You’re the ones making a scene!”

“For the last time, keep your voice down.”

Nickel held her arm out and looked up at him. She turned her palm over. “Give it to me.”

“It’s nothing important,” Hubcap said in a rush. “It’s not! There’s nothing for you to see. It’s just a message and it’s mine and there’s no need to look at it. It’s just here. It’s not yours!”

Nickel didn’t blink. “I’m still waiting Hubcap. My hand is still outstretched. You can see that it is.”

Hubcap’s eyes flicked down to her upturned palm. They flicked back up to her face. She looked fantastically unimpressed.

Hubcap looked up at Helex. Helex looked back at him. He tilted his head and licked his lips.

Hubcap shuddered. “Look. Nickel. It’s nothing. OK? It’s just a personal thing that has nothing to do with you, I swear. It’s got nothing to do with the DJD or the business meeting or the unauthorized access codes you think I don’t know about.”

Hubcap’s eyes widened in horror at what he’d said. Nickel’s eyes narrowed. Helex licked his lips again.

“Helex, get that communicator from him. This could be serious.”

“It’s nothing serious!” Hubcap all but yelled. “That’s the point I’m trying to make! The message is not about you or us or the meeting that’s still going on over there that we all know isn’t going to be finished any time soon. It’s a personal message to me. From a...friend.”

“Now you’ve just made me even more suspicious.”

Hubcap closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Helex? If you please.”

Hubcap’s eyes shot open. Helex was smiling at him. And slowly reaching out a Big Hand with curled fingers that looked like a grabber claw of death.

“Argh! No! Go away!” Hubcap panicked. “Whatever it is you’re going to do to me you’ll regret it, I promise you will.”

Helex froze. And actually looked concerned.

“What’s the hold up?” Nickel said.

“He said that I’m going to regret my actions.”

“Yes I heard him. So to repeat myself, what’s the hold up?”

“He…” Helex hesitated. “He’s got those invisible signal powers. Those Outlier tricks that can turn your head inside out.” Helex gave Hubcap an appreciative look. “Which I’m a big fan of by the way, massive fan.”

“Um...thanks?”

"How do you do it so quickly?” Helex leaned in closer to him. “And why? Wouldn't you prefer to savour it? To draw it out? I would. I do. My record's twenty nine minutes and thirteen seconds."

“Stop fangirling and get his communicator,” Nickel yelled up, ignoring her earlier warnings about being quiet. “I haven’t got all day. And he’s not going to hurt you. He can’t. You don’t have an electromagnetic signal he can manipulate any more. I fitted the whole team with blockers, remember? You tried to eat it before I could weld it to your brain?”

“Oh yeah.” A fond look came over Helex’s face. “I remember that day. It tasted good when I licked it. Sweet. With a slight tang of something peppery and metallic. Like a high grade energon-oil mix that’s been perfectly crystalized and will taste just right when it’s cracked open to reveal the creamy pool of cooked enegon underneath. I wonder what mine would taste like now. It’s been marinating in cranial fluid, and I know mine’s good. I bet it would taste good. I bet it would taste rich. I bet I would like it very much indeed.”

Hubcap and Nickel looked at each other. They couldn’t help it. Hubcap opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Nickel shrugged at him in a ‘You know what he’s like’ way.

Helex absentmindedly stroked the part of his head where his blocker was fitted.

“Hey!” Nickel snapped her fingers at him. “Communicator. Now.”

Helex blinked himself out his daydream. And resumed his Big Hand’s approach towards the communicator.

Hubcap wondered if he should put up a token show of resistance. He knew it would be impossible to prevent Helex from taking it, but he could at least try. But that might just annoy him. Or give him the impression that he was a challenge. He’d end up with broken fingers, an amputated arm, and no communicator. His arm and fingers would be swallowed and smelted and Nickel would laugh at him.

Just before Helex’s Big Hand reached him, Hubcap dropped the communicator into Nickel’s upturned palm. Better to have no communicator and still keep all of his limbs.

“Thank, you,” Nickel said, flipping the communicator over.

She read the message. She looked up at Hubcap. She looked back at the communicator. She looked back up at him. She squinted.

“‘Send nudes,’” she quoted.

She looked puzzled. Helex looked disappointed. Hubcap looked like he wanted to die.

“What does that mean?”

“...”

“Come on, spit it out. Who are these nudes, and why does this person want them from you?”

“...!...!...”

Nickel sighed. “Helex?”

Helex put a hand on Hubcap’s head. “Come on communications expert.” He gently started to squeeze. “Time to start talking.”

“It’s about me!” Hubcap blurted out. “But for all that’s small and holy, don’t crush my head! I need that to live!”

“No you don’t,” Helex said patiently.

“Of course I...Wait. Yeah, you’re right. Ha. I just need my brain module, don’t I. Not my actual head.”

Helex nodded. “Correct.”

“But I would still like it. To be attached. To me. And not- not be in your mouth.”

“If,” Helex said slowly, as he tapped a fingertip on Hubcap’s head, “Your head was to be removed, would it affect your abilities? Or are they all in the brain module?”

“Uh...I think so?”

Helex paused. And nodded again.

Nickel rolled her eyes. “If you want something done…”

She tapped and swiped on the communicator. “Send...nudes…” she muttered to herself.

She brought up the most popular search result for the term.

She read it.

She paused.

She looked up at Hubcap.

And burst out laughing.

“Oh my god,” she gasped. “Fantastic.”

“What?” asked Helex. “What does it mean?”

“Oh my god.” Nickel wiped her eyes. “Oh my god.”

“Can you just…” Hubcap began.

“Help you?” Nickel supplied. Her grin was wide and brilliant. “Take them for you? Give you suggestions to pose in?”

“God, no, that--”

“Because we have standards. And sensitive dispositions. We can’t be subjected to such filth without being more than generously compensated, can we Helex?”

Helex plucked the communicator out of her hand. He read the message. He tapped at the screen. He looked at Hubcap. He looked at the communicator again. “I don’t understand.”

Nickel shook her head. “It’s right there Helex. The definition of that old fashioned organic request is right there.”

Helex tapped and swiped the communicator’s screen. “I don’t,” he said slowly, as he tapped and swiped some more, “Understand why…” tap tap swipe, “He’s got so many messages.” Swipe swipe tap. “What’s he got that I haven’t?”

Nickel gave him a searching look. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re jealous of him?”

Helex shrugged a big arm and a small arm. “It’s more like I’m impressed with him. I mean who wouldn’t be?”

“You’re impressed that he’s got a fellow weirdo asking to see more of him?”

“I’m impressed that he’s got seventeen people wanting to see more of him.”

“What?”

“Yeah, look! Look at the logs!” Helex jabbed a finger at the communicator. “They’re all time stamped within the last two hours. As soon as his ship entered this system, he started getting messages like the one he just got. About half of them say something similar. The other half say a lot worse. One of them says something that’s making me feel things.”

“Give me that.” Nickel held her hand out, and Helex dropped the communicator into it. She navigated to the logs. “Holy...”

She looked up at Hubcap. Her jaw dropped. “You’ve got seventeen people in this sector going crazy for you? Seventeen people not just in this city, or on this planet, but this entire sector? Organics and mechs have your number and send you messages like this as soon as you’re in range? How the fuck did that happen?”

Hubcap shrugged a slow shrug. And failed to completely suppress a smile.

“God, damn. Who would have thought it?”

“No-one,” said Helex, stating the obvious. “No-one would have.”

“Damn. And that’s just this sector. How many other sectors do you have friends in? How many systems? How many galaxies?”

Hubcap didn’t respond.

“Damn.” Nickel shook her head and tapped a finger against the side of the communicator. Then she looked up at Hubcap.

There was a look in her eye that he didn’t like one single bit.

“Who are you going to respond to first?” she asked him.

“...what?”

“Who’s your favourite? From this list of seventeen who want to do things to you and for you, who are you going to get worked up first? You haven’t responded to any of them yet.”

“I don’t…”

“You don’t know?” said Nickel.

“You don’t know how to let the others down gently.” Helex nodded in understanding. “My advice is to just ignore them. Or eat them. And if they happen to like that, then you’re the good guy.”

“Now that’s just…” Hubcap shook his head. “No. No to all of that. And- and can you put me down? Please? Now?”

“If you did get to melt one, who would it be?”

Nickel crossed her arms over her chest. She drummed her fingers along one arm. “It’s the last one, isn’t it?”

Hubcap’s ineffectual kicking stopped.

“Yeah, I thought so. You’ve been cool and collected and normal ever since you entered the bar for this meeting. Which means those sixteen messages haven’t gotten under your plating. You’re not distracted by them. But the seventeenth? The one that made you almost choke to death? That one hit home.”

Hubcap twisted his fingers together. “If I tell you, will you put me down?”

“Tell us and then maybe he’ll put you down.”

Hubcap sighed. He fidgeted. And again failed to completely suppress a smile. “They, uh, haven’t ever messaged me before. Like that. We’ve met and I know them, obviously, but- but they’ve never had the nerve to send something like that. Which I was fine with! Which I am fine with. They said that maybe one day they would if they ever felt comfortable enough, and I told them they didn’t have to, and they said they wanted to but they didn’t know if I really wanted to receive it, and I said I did really want to receive it but only if they were comfortable sending it, and they said--”

“Yeah alright we get the picture, stop going on.”

“He’s pretty whiny, isn’t he?” Helex looked down at Nickel.

“I keep telling you he is. You don’t have to put up with him as much as I do.”

“I stand corrected. I apologise.”

“Completely accepted.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Am I just...going to live up here now?” Hubcap said. He sounded sulky. “Is this my life now? Being held around the head by a Small Hand and being dragged along with you wherever you go? Because that’s not a life. That's an existence.”

Nickel and Helex exchanged a look. Helex looked tired. Nickel shrugged in a ‘You know what he’s like’ way.

Helex dropped him.

Hubcap was so surprised that he didn’t have time to shriek as he fell to the floor. He landed heavily, scrambled back up to his feet, and tried to glare up at Helex. Helex looked back down at him and winked.

Hubcap then tried to glare at Nickel. She made a heart sign over her chest with her hands.

Hubcap sighed in resignation. “Just- give it back to me. OK?”

Nickel held the communicator out. Hubcap grabbed it and tugged it towards him. He held it protectively against his chest.

“Well?” Nickel prompted.

“Well...what?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m...uh...going to get a drink.” Hubcap put the communicator away in his compartment.

Nickel stepped close to him. And punched him hard on the shoulder.

“Oww!” Hubcap yelped. “Why did you do that? That really hurt. What’s wrong with you?”

“You’re such a moron,” Nickel said. “Instead of messaging them back, you’re going to get a drink and literally twiddle your thumbs? What’s wrong with you?”

“Yeah,” Helex agreed. “You can’t do that to them. They’ve gone out on a limb for you.”

“He’s right. They’ll hate you if you don’t respond.”

“You’ll make them cry.”

Hubcap shook his head as he rubbed his shoulder. He once again tried to glare at the two Decepticons who were now giving him pitying looks, and once again failed. “I don’t-...I don’t know how to respond. OK? I mean I know how to respond, I use the keypad to type a message in and the press the send button, but- but I want to send something more than just…”

“‘OK-winky face-winky face?’” suggested Nickel.

“Yeah,” Hubcap said miserably. “I don’t want to just- send a joke. Or be too serious. Or be too dismissive. Or too eager. Or too uninterested.”

Nickel thought about it. “Send them.”

“I think I’ll- what? What?”

“Go to the bathroom and send them. If anyone asks where you are, I’ll cover for you. I’ll say that you can’t hold two sips of a weak energon spritzer down, and you’ve gone to throw your fuel tanks up.”

“And I’ll say that I saw you throw up,” Helex offered. “Right down your front. And that you waddled off to the bathroom with vomit leaking through your fingers as you tried to hold it in your mouth. And that you slipped in some. And that you offered to pay for all of our drinks because you were so embarrassed by your humiliating behaviour.”

“...thanks.” Hubcap smiled warmly at both of them. “Thank you.”

Helex turned to the sour looking six-armed bartender. “Give me two of every drink on the menu. And put them on his tab.”

The bartender muttered something under his breath.

Helex drummed all of his fingers on the bar. He licked his lips again.


	3. Send Nudes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubcap runs to the bathroom and tries to work up the nerve to respond to his Send Nudes request.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief interlude that follows Hubcap into the bathroom to respond to the request he received.
> 
> With many thanks to KidHime for their comments on chapter 2 for inspiring this!
> 
> Let’s never forget that time works differently on alien planets, so any inconsistencies with how long Hubcap spends in the bathroom is because of that, and not because I may accidentally contradict myself in future chapters.
> 
> And so many thanks to [shyspiderweb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShySpider/pseuds/ShySpider/) for the excellent Send Nudes edit and for the inspiration to write about it in the first place!

19:31 [friend] Send Nudes

19:32-19:58 [hubcap] panic / hope / joy / events of chapter 2

19:59 //sweating// [hubcap] alt.mode.exposed.jpeg sent

20:00-20:10 [hubcap] //mortifying panic and spark sapping regret and engine stuttering hope//

20:11 [friend] Oh wow you look good! But...are you OK? It looks like you're at a...garage? Is that right? The walls and floor in your picture look disgusting, so you can't be anywhere nice. And your hood's up like you're getting a check-up? I can see oil leaking out of you. Oil and a...much clearer and thicker fluid. It’s leaking out of you. It looks like there’s going to be a lot. Do you need help cleaning it up? Would you like me to clean you up?

20:12 [hubcap] //mortifying panic and spark sapping regret and engine stuttering hope//

20:13:01 [hubcap] Yeah you can help clean me up with your mouth *wink emoji*  
[message deleted before sent]

20:13:04 [hubcap] You could help clean it up with your hands?  
[message deleted before sent]

20:13:06 [hubcap] You could help clean it up   
[message deleted before sent]

20:13:09 [hubcap] You could  
[message deleted before sent]

20:13:10 [hubcap] You   
[message deleted before sent]

20:13:11 - 20:20 [hubcap] //panic//

20:21 [hubcap] Hey how are you?  
[message deleted before sent]

20:22 - 20:25 [hubcap] //increased panic//

20:26 [bar patron locked out of the bathroom banging on the door] Hurry the hell up! 

20:27 [hubcap] //increased panic//

20:28 [hubcap] //how about I come to see you and you can wipe me down all over, especially in the gaps I can’t get to and I don’t mean to imply you’re my personal car washer even though that would be so incredibly hot and I’d love it but that’s asking too much of you But if you really did want to then I wouldn’t stop you because I’m in desperate love with you and would do anything for you and with you thank you  
[message deleted and hard erased from archive before sent]

20:29 [hubcap] //transforms back into robot mode and bangs head repeatedly against the wall//


	4. Bubbles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helex runs up a huge tab, Hubcap learns he's going to be paid a visit from a geriatric debt collector, and Nickel's gone to investigate an annoying alarm that won't stop wailing. The bar's deserted, they're still stuck in it, and things only get worse when the ceiling opens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More eternal thanks to [jet-teeth](https://jet-teeth.tumblr.com) for the Helex + Drinks sketch that's at the end of this chapter! He looks fantastic, oh my gosh he's having the best time drinking all those drinks he hasn't paid for.

“It's about time,” Nickel said. She felt someone come to a slow stop behind her, but she didn’t bother to look over her shoulder at them. “Did you get lost in that bathroom?”

“Ha, no! I didn't- didn’t get lost," Hubcap replied. He slid up next to her and plastered a too wide smile onto his face. He laced his fingers together tightly. “I’m here. I'm fine. I'm here and I’m fine."

“We heard some banging,” Helex said in a slow and knowing tone. “We thought you were having a Good Time after sending your message, if you know what I mean."

“WE did not think that,” Nickel said. “I didn’t think about him for a second after he left us.”

“Do you know what I mean?” Helex said, ignoring her. “Because I do. And so does Nickel. But you’re a small sheltered Autobot with no experience, so you probably don’t.”

“I, ha, wait,” Hubcap said. He tried to inject some steel into his voice. “How do you know I don’t have any experience? You could be setting yourself up for major embarrassment here. I could be embarrassed by you for a change.”

Helex gave him a fondly condescending look.

Nickel gave Helex her third best weary look. “He’s got a rotating cast of desperates all throughout the galaxy that message him for Good Times as soon as they can, so it’s safe to say he’s got some experience. We have more important things to do, so just ignore him. And do you know what I’m going to ignore? A continuation of this conversation.”

“But just because he has a list of admirers doesn’t mean he’s got experience with any of them,” Helex said, continuing the conversation. “Or anyone at all. Does it Nickel? Does it?”

Nickel gave him her second best weary look. She paused. She remembered how terrified Hubcap was about replying to his send nudes message. She fought not to think about it any more. She tapped her fingers against her leg. “No. No it doesn’t Helex. It doesn’t. Are you happy now?”

“I’m always happy.”

Helex picked up two full glasses. He drank from one and offered the other to Nickel. “Your one has little bubbles in it.”

He gently shook the drink to fizz it up further. “Look at them go!”

Nickel fought back a smile. “You’re ridiculous.”

She reached out a hand to take it.

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!

“What the?" Nickel's head snapped up, the drink forgotten.

Everyone in the bar collectively snapped their heads up. Heads and eyes and sensors swivelled like searchlights to seek out where the blaring alarm was coming from and what it meant.

Helex drank Nickel’s drink in one gulp. He made a face. “I don’t like this.”

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!

“It’s an alarm,” Nickel said. “You’re not supposed to like it.”

She put her hands on her hips and looked around. “Is that the fire alarm?”

“Uh, no,” Hubcap said, twisting his fingers together and peering up at the ceiling anxiously. “That’s not the fire alarm.”

“Did you set off the fire alarm?” Nickel pointed a finger at Helex. “Did your smelter slow leak again and set something on fire?”

“No!” Helex held three innocent hands up. His fourth held another drink. “It’s not me! I promise!”

“Because I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told you to see me as soon as you get a micro-fissure or a heat fracture in it. I’ve lost count of the number of times I've told you, I really have.”

“It wasn’t me! I’ve been standing next to you the entire time!”

“Just because you’re here now doesn’t mean you couldn’t have leaked elsewhere earlier, does it? Does it Helex? Does it?”

“I just said it’s not the fire alarm,” Hubcap muttered to his fingers. “But Primus forbid anyone should ever listen to--”

Whoop Whoop Whoop!

Whoop Whoop Whoop!

“I’m going to see who’s set the fire alarm off,” Nickel scowled. “That useless bartender had better turn it off soon because one, I can’t see a fire anywhere and two, it’s giving me a headache.”

She stalked away.

Hubcap glanced around. It wasn’t the fire alarm. The frequency sounded all wrong. It _felt_ all wrong. There wasn’t an explosion or any type of mortal threat that he could see, but people were pouring out of the bar as if their life depended on it. The DJD and the Wreckers were nowhere to be seen. They must have been some of the first to evacuate. Which meant that whatever was happening or was about to happen would be serious and life-threatening and a horrible experience in general. Which meant they had to leave immediately. Hubcap made a sudden move towards the nearest exit, but he was stopped by one of Helex’s arms on his shoulder.

“If it’s not the fire alarm, what is it?” Helex asked.

“I don’t know,” Hubcap said, giving Helex’s hand a wary look. “But it’s something bad. It’s something serious. Something serious has happened and people have left. So we should leave too. We have to leave.”

He tried to take a step towards the exit.

Helex gently squeezed Hubcap’s shoulder.

All three layers of Hubcap’s plating buckled. An explosion of alarms erupted and spread throughout his system, warning him of imminent structural collapse and irreparable damage to most of his primary circuit field if this tremendous external pressure continued.

“Nickel’s not back yet,” Helex said.

>//> critical system breach in 6, 5, 4,

“We’ll wait as long as it takes for her!” Hubcap gasped. “I want nothing more in my short little life than to stay right here with you and wait for her but oh god please let go of me I don’t want to die like this!”

“Die?” Helex released Hubcap’s shoulder. He gave him what he considered to be a reassuring look. “You’re not going to die. Someone will put that scary fire out, don’t you worry.”

Hubcap massaged his near crippled shoulder. He muttered desperate thanks of praise to Primus and dark promises of revenge to Helex under his breath.

Helex bent his head down so that his mouth brushed Hubcap’s ear. “What?”

“Ahh!” Hubcap sprang back and gripped his shoulder harder.

“You’re weird,” Helex told him. “I like it.”

Helex looked around. “Where’s Nickel?”

“How should I know?” Hubcap snapped.

Helex flexed the fingers of his shoulder grabbing hand. “What?”

“I said I’m terribly sorry but I’m afraid I don’t know. But I do know that she’ll be fine, and that we’ll do absolutely everything in our power to find her and make sure she’s OK and we won’t, absolutely won’t, evacuate this death trap of a bar until she’s back with us despite the fact that she’s the most capable out of the three of us and could take out anyone with one eye closed and is the one who will outlive us by millions of years no matter what happens.”

Helex nodded slowly. “Do you know what this means?”

Hubcap's processor whirled “...that we’re...going to die while she looks in on us through a window and shakes her head in sadness but not surprise?”

“It means that we have more time for drinking!”

“Yeah, that was definitely going to be my next guess.”

Helex turned back towards the bar. Every inch of the enormous counter was taken up with different sized glasses filled with liquids in every colour imaginable. Some were fizzing, some were smoking, one was hardening into concrete and several were leaking.

“Look at what I ordered while you were having fun in the bathroom.”

“...how…” Hubcap began, as a sense of impending doom bit into his spine and slid down it using nothing but teeth, “...many drinks did you put on my tab?”

Helex took a sip of the drink he now held in a small hand. “Two of each per round.” The liquid slid down his throat, and he blinked in happy surprise. He held out the glass and peered into the roiling mustard coloured froth inside. “Oh that’s good.”

“I should hope so,” Hubcap said slowly, “Because that drink is going to cost me an arm and a leg.”

“It’s going to cost more than that.” Helex drained the glass. “Have you seen how much debt you’re in?”

“...excuse me?”

“It’s a lot.” Helex smiled. “I’ve crippled you.”

_“What?”_

“But only financially.”

“That’s so much worse!”

Hubcap whipped out his communicator and poked it hard. He brought up his bank account and typed in the password. He looked at the string of numbers that told him how much money he now owed. He made the soul searing sound of eternal pain that all of Helex’s victims made.

“Calm down,” Helex said. “I can’t hear the mysterious wailing alarm over you.”

Whoop Whoop Whoop

Whoop Whoop Whoop

Helex put his glass down on the bar. “So. Did your weirdo friend respond to those pictures of questionable content you sent them?”

Hubcap looked at the horrific negative numbers screaming along the bottom of his bank account. They were neon red. They were pulsing. They were underlined. His mouth was open and his spark was fading.

“Well?” Helex prompted.

“How?” Hubcap whispered.

“How what?”

“How did you manage to drink so much?” Hubcap’s horrified eyes scanned the itemised charges and calculated the times they were bought. "Everything on the bar right now is your fourth round! I was only gone for a few minutes!"

Helex patted his smelter fondly. “She’s a thirsty girl.”

“I’m ruined,” Hubcap said to himself. “I can’t pay this back. I’ll have to take out a loan. I’ll have to take out several. I’ll have to rob someone and go on the run for the rest of my life.”

“I’ve already called the Debt Collector of Eternal Interest and Perpetual Payback to take you into Bank Custody.”

Hubcap’s head shot up. “What? Why?!”

Helex shrugged. “Owed her a favour.”

“Oh my god.”

“She’ll be here soon. I gave her our location and your description. And since she’s getting on in years, make sure you’re respectful and shriek extra loud when she starts stabbing you. Her hearing’s on the way out and her frame is frail.”

“Oh My God.”

Whoop Whoop Whoop

Whoop Whoop Whoop

“Why are you yelling so much?” Nickel asked.

“Ah!” Hubcap yelled, startled. He gripped his communicator hard.

“I can’t hear the alarm over your wailing.”

She looked at Helex. “It’s not the fire alarm. I checked. I asked the bartender what it was, but all he said was ‘it’s not the fire alarm’ before bolting out of the exit door.”

Helex nodded. “That’s what we thought.”

Nickel looked over Hubcap’s shoulder to see what was on his screen. She cackled loudly. “You’re so screwed.”

“I’ve already called the Debt Collector,” Helex said. “She’ll be here after she’s had a nap.”

“Someone her age needs her rest,” Nickel agreed. “When she gets here I’ll offer to give her a check-up free of charge.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“She works hard. And it’s difficult to get customers in her line of work these days. Hardly anyone has a lot of money now, which means they’re not in a lot of crippling debt that needs to be recovered. It was nice of you to give the work to her.”

“Do the two of you,” Hubcap said slowly, “Really not care that I’m about to get stabbed by a geriatric debt collector?”

“Don’t call her that,” Helex said. “Show some respect.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten into so much debt in the first place,” Nickel said flatly. “You need lessons on how to manage your finances. Swindle runs a basic course for absolute beginners you should go on.”

“I didn’t get into debt myself! Helex put me in it! He’s drinking this overpriced place dry and making me pay for it!”

Nickel’s expression didn’t change. “Because you said he could. Remember? You agreed to pay for all his drinks so he’d cover for you when you went to message your friend.”

Hubcap’s mouth opened to respond. It stayed open. “...I didn’t think he’d buy so many,” he said limply.

“There’s an old Earth saying about Assumptions,” Nickel said. “Swindle covers it in his course.”

“I am not paying Swindle money so he can trick me into giving him more.”

“How’s that worse than tricking yourself out of it?”

“You should definitely tell him this story,” Helex said. “He might name a case study after you. You know, the type of example that everyone laughs at but also takes seriously because they’d die ten times over if it ever happened to them.”

Whoop Whoop Whoop

Whoop Whoop Whoop

“That’s really goddamn annoying,” Nickel glared.

Helex nodded in agreement. He unravelled his long tongue and coiled it inside another foam coated glass. He slurped noisily as he cleaned it.

Hubcap put his hands on his head and remembered that there had been a few good times in his life.

Whoop Whoop Whoop!

Whoop Whoop Whoop!

“First of all,” Nickel said, “The fact that I can hear you over the sound of this alarm is disgusting. You’re disgusting.”

S L U R R R R R P

“And second of all, we need to get out of here. Everyone’s already left. I don’t know what that alarm’s for, but it can’t be anything good.”

Helex unravelled his tongue from the glass and sucked it back into his mouth. “It’s not all bad. It means no-one’s going to try and sneak one of my drinks off of the counter again. They screamed so loudly when I caught them!”

“Exit. Now.”

“I’m just saying--”

“You can stick your tongue in things when we get back to the ship,” Nickel ordered. “Now let’s go.”

Nickel strode towards the nearest exit. “Helex, contact the ship and give them our locations for transport. I’m not going to be stuck in this miserable place for whatever awful thing is about to happen. Hubcap, you figure out what the alarm is for. And stop crying.”

“...I’m not crying. I’m just...thinking. Concentrating. The air’s very dry in here and sometimes that makes my eyes water to compensate and--”

Just as Nickel reached the exit a set of huge black and yellow containment doors slammed shut in front of her face and blocked it.

“Dammit!”

She spun around and immediately headed to the secondary exit. Huge blast doors slammed down in front of those doors too.

Nickel clenched her hands into fists and groaned in deep frustration. “I can’t believe we’re stuck in this dump!”

“Shall we have another drink?” Helex asked.

“Stuck?” Hubcap said, as he tried to surreptitiously wipe his eyes. “We’re stuck in here? We’re actually stuck? In here? Stuck?”

“Stop repeating yourself and calm down. It’s really annoying.”

“Well excuse me for, you know, not being in the best frame of mind given everything that’s just previously happened to me.”

“Ooh, bubbles!” Helex chirped.

“We’re not drinking any more bubble drinks,” Nickel snapped. “We’re going to find a way out of here before whatever bad thing is going to happen to us happens to us, understood?”

“But if it’s stopped then maybe it won’t happen,” Hubcap said cautiously. He looked around the deserted bar, and scanned it with even greater attention and dread than he had examined his bank account. “Maybe it’s already happened. Or it’s been prevented. Or it was never actually going to happen in the first place, and that was just an unfortunate and unintended miscommunication of a defensive or offensive response to an external threat that never ended up materializing.”

“What in the goddamn hell are you babbling on about?” Nickel said. “I am one second away from charging a new spaceship to your account Hubcap. One second! And then I’m going to give Swindle a heads up that despite being broker than broke you’re a prime candidate for--”

“The alarm’s stopped,” Hubcap said bluntly. “Listen.”

Nickel listened. The wailing alarm had stopped. And in its place was a low, slow, grinding mechanical hum that was steadily getting louder and louder and louder.

“That’s not good,” she said.

Hubcap shook his head in agreement.

Tiny white stars drifted down in front of Nickel’s face. She locked eyes with Hubcap. They both followed its spiralling path down, down, down to the disgusting sticky floor where it popped silently at her feet.

She looked back up at Hubcap. Who was already looking up at the ceiling with a horrified expression on his face.

“Like I said, bubbles,” Helex beamed. He held out all four hands and turned his palms up to the ceiling. Small piles of happy popping bubbles collected in piles on them.

Nickel reluctantly looked up. She read the warning. “So that’s what the alarm was for,” she whispered.

A huge hatch covered the entirety of the ceiling. It was studded with jets and openings and switches. Stamped across it in twenty different languages were the words 'Hostile Suppressant Foam. Mechanical Grade. For Use In Emergencies Only. Never, Ever, EVER Ingest.’

The hatch slowly opened.

She heard Hubcap typing furiously on his communicator.

Orange warning lights strobed the room.

She heard Helex lick his lips and swallow.

The ever widening hatch began to rain foam down on them

A tidal wave of deadly foam slowly leaked out of the ever widening hatch directly above their heads.

“We are so screwed.”


End file.
